I got this letter from the form on my blog. Jim replied via e-mail, not knowing that the letter sender, Annie, wouldn’t be receiving it directly. He answered so well and it’s exactly what I would have said, too. So I’m posting this here in the hopes that Annie will get to read this.
Dear PodParents, in 2019, my brother passed away and until now I am still having a hard time accepting it and dealing with it.
He was a special child. My parents always told me that he wasn’t even supposed to live past 7 years old but he lived until 37. Ako yung bunso but siya talaga ang baby naming lahat. I was really close to him and until now it still hurts not having him around.
That morning before my family rushed him to the hospital, he held my hand while he was crying and I got scared. I let go of his hand not knowing that was the last time I would be with him. If I knew that was the last time, I would have forced my family to take me with them when they rushed him to the hospital. Everyone else was there but me when he passed. 9 kaming mag kakapatid lahat sila nandun except ako na naiwan sa bahay. I still feel so guilty about it that I wasn’t there for my kuya. Sobrang tanda ko pa nga na pagka uwi ng family ko wala nalang akong magawa kundi yakapin Ate ko at Asawa niya while crying and saying na di man lang ako nakapag goodbye at huling yakap.
Another reason why I’m still having such a hard time dealing with it still is because literally the day after his burial, ako naman ang napunta sa hospital. For three months I couldn’t even grieve because I was either confined or I was in and out of the hospital going through tests which ended with me getting a full hysterectomy kasi may cancer na pala ako. I also almost didn’t make it after that operation. 3 days ako sa ICU at 2 days bago nakauwi.
I really felt so guilty for putting my family through that hell as well just after my brother passed. Minsan nga iniisip ko na sana ako nalang at di ang kuya ko. The only time I really got the chance to process it all and take it all in was two months after my operation.
Hanggang ngayon sobrang hirap talaga. It hits me hardest at night. I talked to my parents about it, how hard it is for me to deal with everything, but all they can really tell me is that at least hindi na siya nahihirapan at masaya na siya sa taas. I always try to talk about it with them pero ayoko naman din na malungkot sila. Medyo naiinggit ako na yung family ko parang ang bilis nilang natanggap na wala na kapatid namin tapos ako hirap na hirap parin. Mabanggit lang si kuya itinatago ko na mukha ko kasi sobrang naiiyak talaga ako.
I still feel all this guilt and sadness and I really want to deal with it better. Any help or advice would really be appreciated. Sorry super haba madrama din talaga ako.
Hi Annie, it’s true when they no words can be said during times like these. But we want you to know, you are not alone. We know what it feels like to lose someone and yet the experience will always be something that only you can understand. Although that’s the case, just know, it doesn’t mean you have to face this trial alone. Lean on friends. Lean on God. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Might be good to read up on the stages of grief so you can comprehend your feelings better.
We are so so sorry for your loss. And I just wanna say, that line from Wandavision really resonated with me: Grief is love persevering. You’re a wonderful sister and your family is blessed to have you.
Stay strong always.
Sending our love,
Jim and Saab